I’ve been thinking a lot about this article I read a month ago or so about female desire in New York Times Magazine. Scientifically it’s a relatively unknown, unstudied phenomenon. There were a couple of points in it that stood out to me and were fascinatingly new even if they were old. The first part was comparing male and female experiments. Where males were very linear and one-dimensional in their desire- “yes I like women” or “yes I like men,” and both mental and physical reactions confirm this idea- the women were much more across the board no matter what their sexuality and their physiology wasn’t always agreement with their mental patterns. In scientific terms, all this constituted a mystery. What is it? It just can’t be nailed down. Later it talked about myths and fears that female desire tends to induce in our patriarchal cultures: some places say women aren’t desirous at all, other places mutilate women in attempts to subdue it, some places do both. While reading it I couldn’t help but draw parallels with the holy spirit. It gives off an almost identical energy, this whole idea of mysterious arousal. There’s a draw in trying to find it and a fear about what happens once you do. And it was funny to be reading it as a woman and being in agreement with it but also not being confused at all about my own desire and what triggers it. I guess I can see men being confused but it’s always sad because it’s clearly not necessary. You don’t have to be confused. You may have to change your way of thinking, but you don’t have to be confused. The best freaking part was when it talked about the fundamental triggers in desire for each gender. What triggers desire in heterosexual males? Women. Case closed. What do you think triggers desire in heterosexual females? Men? nope. Women? not really. Money? Cars? Power? no, no, no. The fundamental trigger in desire for women is being desired. Booyow.
When I first read that I thought, “I knew that.” But somehow reading it in a magazine quoting a scientist gave it this authority and I thought back about all these different instances in life where that statement rings true. It went on to talk about how in relationships where the sex life isn’t stellar, the quality of the relationship, though important, isn’t really the central issue. The problem usually lies in the women feeling un-desired. B/c we all know that men will screw anything, and in a committed relationship, after awhile if a woman gets the impression that her partner’s just sleeping with her b/c he has to then she loses interest. Because she has to be continually desired, not just that one time a long time ago. So then it was like big red lights flashing: God, God, God. This is the God part we inherited. God is so not into your forced formulaic prayer, and sometimes He’ll just go away to see if you notice, care, react. And, this is sort of scary, he can totally sense if you’re all “as the dear pants for water” but full of sh*t. But show the slightest interest in His there, the slightest pitiful face in Him not being there, and He’s right back. How do I know? Because it’s basically what being a woman is like. And I don’t know about all that intuition stuff that gets overblown b/c there’s plenty of clueless women out there but we can acutely detect if desire is genuine and when it isn’t, or when it’s fuzzy at least. There was a lot of other really really cool things in the article that it would take me forever to hash out. Go read it.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little like I’m losing my mind. First of all, at school I’m a complete moron. I read the material, I write my responses or participate in class and I’m fully engaged, but somehow I’m coming away with different things than the entire rest of the class, and I find the really simple concepts very hard to find. Once someone else points them out to me I go “oh yeah,” and I vaguely remember processing them but I can never point them out, I pass them over. The notion is that there’s no one interpretation of things but this is about processing data. I’m just…I don’t know if I’m too ADD while I read or dyslexic or what. Secondly, the last few times I’ve talked to people it’s like I’m speaking to someone else in a parallel universe. They don’t get what I’m saying, and I only think I get what they’re saying. Even if we did understand each other, my priorities are changing so dramatically that I’m wondering if I’ll be able to still relate to humanity soon. It’s like, so completely out there to be me right now. I’m caught up in this whole empathy thing, where I literally get sucked into the person’s life whoever’s talking or in front of me. I just take whatever they say as valid and valuable. And then when someone else comes and says otherwise, I’m completely jarred for a moment and feel foolish, but I don’t resolve it, I just leave it undone in my brain. Who does that? No one does that! I don’t know if it’s God giving me like, this crazy wisdom or if I’m slowly becoming labotomized. I mean I love the peace and the gaining understanding, if that’s really what’s happening, but I’m just like, who’s gonna listen to me if I’m just answering everything with another question, b/c I think things should be as f*cked up as we can conceive? All I wanna do is mess things up. I just wanna mess it up for the good people, mess it up for the bad people. Sometimes I’m like, “maybe I’m right in the center which is just, flat out not a real place.” I saw the Watchmen today. As soon as I saw Dr. Manhattan I was like, “dude, yes.” If I was blue, processed all temporal planes simultaneously, and walked on the surface of the sun and re-assembled myself from atoms then no, I will not be wearing clothes. Excuse me while I opt out of wearing freaking…clothes like, what, the f***, am I gonna do with clothes. I mean I know you have an issue so, I’ll just wear this little underwear thing but, seriously. I totally got his whole thing like, right away. Hadn’t read a single comic. Dude, I feel you. Everything just starts to look real extra after awhile.
I was thinking tonight about youth and how we start out really energetic and neurotic and antsy and begin to change as we get older. I was thinking all that energy and fire and wanting to succeed is like maybe your young self is designed to serve your older self so that your older self, who is more laid back and reflective, can enjoy the fruits of younger self’s labor. But then there’s this common held believe that you should do all this worthless crap while you’re young. Do it while you’re young! But then you spend all your young years doing worthless crap and then you get old, your body’s giving out, and now you really have to work b/c you screwed around when you were young. What worse, now you’re more reflective so you’re constantly thinking regrettably back about all the time you wasted as a youth, that is if you’re letting yourself.