Weapons of Mass Distraction: a Christian’s manifesto

It’s recently come to my attention (perhaps again?) that there is a tool the enemy uses that we seldom pay attention to but it could be one of his greatest methods of triumph, if not the greatest: getting us to waste energy trying to get things we already have.

I never noticed it before, partly b/c I was falling for it myself.  And also because it was subtle and kind of strange, something that is fairly alien to human deception b/c we so often deal in what is seen.  But there’s so much evidence for it that I’m forced to see the pattern.

The other day my mom was telling me about this sermon that she was listening to about the garden, and how the serpent was trying to tell the woman that they would become like God if they ate the fruit.  “But they already were like God,” my mom paraphrased.  “Huh,” I thought.  I thought it was a good point, even if it seemed a little weak.  I knew the nature of the devil was to lie but he didn’t seem like the kind to go for technicalities.  But what seems like just a technicality is really just a distraction.

And if you haven’t noticed, this world is full of distractions.  Mainly of the media persuasion.  We all know the media tries to create a void in order to sell you a product, they openly admit this.  And we give them a certain amount of respect for it.  We see a persuasive technique played out for our benefit and even though we can see the strings, if we end up wanting that thing there’s a little part of even the smartest of us that goes: “well played sir.  fetch me my credit card.”

I’ll save the conspiracy theory about that whole system another day.  But the point is, if this kingdom belongs to the prince of this world, it would make sense that the highest officers of this kingdom would be so b/c  they prescribe closest to its methods.  But if you are a Christian, you are of another kingdom, yet the same holds true.  Only problem is, we’re taught to believe that we have to contend for this kingdom that we’re already a part of.

I listen to this guy Jon Crowder a lot.  Many people take issue with his theology, but I like him b/c he’s always got a Word that’s fresh and stimulates the mind renewal process.  And as I was watching him talk about unity the other day I thought, “Where have I heard this before?”  Essentially he was talking about how we should stop contending for unity in the body of Christ b/c we already have it.  I realized that a lot of his messages are on this theme of “stop asking God for what you already have.”  Stop asking God for faith, for a spirit of love, for the Holy Spirit.  You already have those things.  Know that you have them.  Then use them.  “The man’s right,” I would think.  The Word says we already have access to this b/c of Christ.  Let’s think on this everyday and see if it doesn’t change how we behave.  And if it works, we should then find out where we got this notion of working hard for something we already have, and beat that person (kidding).

Then, I was watching Bill Johnson.  Say what you want about Bill Johnson but you can’t say he isn’t doing his thing.  He preaches it, practices it, then teaches others to do the same.  And he was talking about the garden as well, only this time he talked about the serpent’s first statement:  “Did God really say?”  And he talked about how the enemy gets us to question the validity and/or understanding of what God says.  He then went on to twist God’s statement but the point was, the seed of doubt is planted that you don’t have all the information.

Here’s God: “Hi.  You are like Me.  Here’s the information you need.”

Here’s the devil:  “That’s not all the information.  You aren’t like Him.”

The strange thing about those two statements, just looking at them they both are pretty compelling.  Both declaring a way of things.  And it is tempting to want all the information, even if it isn’t relevant, who knows where that stems from.  I want to engage the latter statement.  I want to know why someone would say that so I can use my knowledge to combat it.  If I cannot combat it, then I must entertain it.  It’s the Western way.  Surely the devil knows that, and he uses it.  But as I get older I’m getting to the point where the former statement is enough and has proven to be true more and more, and I lose interest in the latter statement, which tends to mislead me and waste my time.

Another thing Bill Johnson brought up was the temptation of Jesus and how Satan opened with, “If you’re the son of God…”  I’ll get to the profundity of all that in a minute, the point is that God had just said a chapter before, in front of a buncha people, “Ya’ll, here go my son.  Right here, there he is.  I’m pleased with him, he’s doin’ good.”  Even put a compliment on it.  And here comes the devil, just putting a spin on something that’s already been said, b/c he can’t come up with any new statements, “If you are…”

If I am?  I am.  What are we talking about?  God himself told me that I am.  In front of witnesses.  Not even like… I mean this is crazy.  It would be one thing if God said, “You are the son of so-and-so,” and he had to take His word on that.  But God says, “You’re my son.”  I mean… there’s no higher verifiable source than God on who His own son is.  But the devil still goes for it.  And you know what?  It almost kinda works, obviously, b/c here’s Jesus undergoing one of the craziest spiritual battles of his life, and what’s the root of it?  His identity.

So, okay #1: Wait a minute, are you serious?!?!  Did he like, not know who he was????  Come on!!!

And  #2: Sound familiar?

So with my mom and Jon and Bill all swirling about the same issue without any prompting I had to go, “okay… this is real.”  And I started to think about the implications of this type of lie.  We’re dealing with invisible things so I can see this getting dicey.  If the enemy can get me chasing and questioning something that I already have… then a couple things can happen.  I can go to God for something I already have, then think He isn’t giving it to me, then think “well, He must have a reason for not giving this to me,” then go around thinking that God doesn’t answer all prayers but you never know which ones but you gotta trust Him, then go telling other people that.

The other thing that can happen is I start thinking I gotta do something to get it.  So I’m trying harder and harder to get something [that I already have], feeling like I’m just not there yet b/c I don’t see it.  Then I look around at other people and I start comparing myself.  “Well they’re not doing as much as me.”  Then I tell other people that they’ve got to do better if they want this thing [that they already have], then I can look at people not doing “good” or doing “bad” and draw conclusions i.e. judge them.

I could undermine the work of the cross.  If Jesus paid the debt, the whole debt, of everyone who’s ever been, and we really believed that, what would happen?  Are we ready to live in a world where we believed that?  Do we even know what that would look like?  Do we know how many deceptions and lies, great and small that we’ve been told over the years from this or that, get in the way of that reality and have to be uprooted?  Could we us and our doctrines out of the way and let God do His job?  Are we ready to offer freedom with no strings?  Have we ever even been taught such a thing?  But it makes sense, if the gospel means “good news.”  And “eternal life through Christ” sounds more like good news than “eternal life with stipulations.”  I mean duh, right?  That’s what everyone expects.  That’s just like, “regular news.”

So my point is, people going around thinking they don’t have what they already have is not only a prevalent deception, it is a primary, fundamental one.  Meaning, you ought to always stop and question this type of thinking.  Just today I was on YouTube watching this forum for black men and women in relationships, and this guy, bless his heart, got up and eventually said something like, “we as men want more power, more strength, more influence…”  Now we could argue about his priorities all day, but when I heard that I just wanted to scream [Negro] YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW WITH THIS!!!

But you know what?  If you go around deceived, thinking you don’t have that, then how are you going to behave?  Not well.  And you might be thinking– supposing you understand exactly what I’m saying with all this–  “If this is happening why doesn’t God tell us?”

That’s the thing.  He is.  He had to tell me three separate times through unrelated, unbiased sources before I would even see it.  Before that He would tell me all the time.  And guess what?  I didn’t believe Him.  Because I couldn’t see past the deception.  If I complained about me and how deficient I was He would tell me, plainly, “You’re fine.  You have everything you need already.”  Case closed, right?  But I would either think He was doing that rose (blood?) -colored Jesus glasses thing where He just thinks I’m great no matter what, or I’d think it was some hallucination induced by my inner desire to live complacent without challenges, or some theosophist leaning that seeped through my brain after too much Wizard of Oz or something.

Thing is, He wouldn’t stop there.  If He knew I wouldn’t trust His voice He’d get me to open up the scripture to Corinthians or something, and have Paul say the same thing He just said.  And that would sorta work, but it would just get me praying to Him to get more of this stuff that I already got!!!!  

The deception was like a web over my eyes.  I wasn’t completely useless while it was there, but it was hindering me.  Didn’t help that everywhere I turned were people living in the same deception, reinforcing it.

So this blog is an entreaty to the Christian:  please question this idea of trying to plead for, earn, or even claim, that which you already have.  Notice how I’m not even saying ENTITLED TO.  You are not “entitled to” life and life more abundant, YOU HAVE IT.  I promise you, you do.  But a great deception can diminish even the most tangible miracle.  How much more the invisible kind?  Keep watch over what has your attention.  “I don’t have” is the silent, swollen chant of this heavy, insatiable country.  How much of it is true, and how much is it a spell?  If we, who have the power of heaven, can consciously remove ourselves from the clutches of this seduction, it could be our consecration.  Faith in the truth, in what God has sent forth through His Word, an agent of eternal, unlimited power and life.  It might be the only thing separating us from true holiness.

Eureka! Men! I’ve figured you out!!

This whole thing started when I discovered this website, verysmartbrothas.com.  The site is great: smart, funny, witty to the point of biting.  Engaging.  But sometimes, and only sometimes, there would be a sentence here or there that would betray a certain bitterness towards women, downright hatred in some places.  And I would be like, “really?!”

I used to be a little merciless towards men when I was younger.   I used to say, “what’s the point of men?  I don’t see the point of them.”  I don’t know how long it took for that to go away but it’s gone now.  Maybe it’s ’cause I read my Bible more, maybe I just met enough good men, maybe a combo.  It’s funny because the information itself is no different.  There really seems to be no point to men.  So says the woman, whose creation was almost entirely utilitarian.  Maybe it’s my nature to ask “what’s the point of you?”  Not as an insult, merely a conversation piece.  But men were created on a whim.  Literally, God was like “hey, you wanna do something cool? let’s do this.”  And it was good!   Yay God, yay man!  No one disputes that.

Anyways, I came across an entire article that was pretty damn hurtful.  It was entitled: Why (Some) Women Are Reluctant To Accept That “Game” Works.  I was drawn to the article b/c I was its target audience.  Game doesn’t work on me.  At least not very well.  Sometimes a guy is running game on me and I just let him, either b/c it’s easier than having to embarrass the poor dude or b/c he’s trying to get me to do something I already want to do.  I’m not talking about sex or anything but I could just as easily be.  I think a lot women are in this boat.   But there are sometimes you come across a smooth one.  In some circles, you could call him a “sociopath.”  It might take you 3 weeks, might take you 3 years to realize you fell into a trap he had set for you.  And you’re like “sonofa…”

But according to this article I was in denial.  I’d seen game work on other poor women of ill repute, so I knew it worked, just not on me.  Well, this article set me straight with its first point:

1. Admitting that game works completely contradicts one of the most prominent and protected tenets of womanhood: All women are unquestionably and undoubtedly unique.

Ever since the day they were born (or, if you’re a woman from Harlem, The Hill District, or Lincoln Heights, ever since their mothers decided to name them “Shauntananique“), most women have had the idea that they were extremely special and extremely precious repeatedly beat into their heads. Now, this isn’t a bad thing. Any good parent is going to do everything they can to make sure their daughter has a healthy portion of self-esteem. I mean, if I ever decide to have a daughter and she comes to me crying about not getting invited to a classmate’s sleepover, I probably won’t tell her “Hey, young daughter of The Champ, don’t worry about it. You weren’t invited because you’re not really all that special, and, well, you’re not really all that special so get used to disappointment.

But, with this perpetual positive reinforcement cunninglingus comes a natural aversion to accepting the idea that game works because, well, game works by reinforcing the idea that each individual woman isn’t really all that special. The sense of ”Well, maybe that happened to her…but that damn sure aint gonna happen to me,” doesn’t fly because, with slight variations, the same techniques that worked with Debbie in Des Moines work just as well with Tisha in Tampa, Brittany in Boston, and Changpu in Chicago (she’s an exchange student).

Well, after reading that I had a choice.  I could’ve taken the information to heart.  Had the statement been subtle, I might’ve taken it in without knowing, but this wasn’t a flaming dart, this was a meteor.  It was big, it was slow, and it was coming towards me.   Was I going to dodge it, or was I going to let it hit me?  I decided to dodge it.  I said, “no.  I see what he’s trying to say but it’s unfortunately not true and ill-informed.”  But it wasn’t the end.  I even left a comment thinking that a little truth combat would resolve this feeling I had.  But it didn’t.   I had dodged the meteor but it was now lodged in the ground, smoking, killing the plants.  It was an impertinence, and I couldn’t help wondering, “where did it come from?”

The comment I left was something like, “the schemes of the devil work too, don’t make it right.”  Which was true but kind of beside the point.  It bothered me that this guy thought we were truly predictable and refused to admit it, to give up this illusion of uniqueness because we’re so delusional and irrational.  But it bothered me more is that I didn’t know how to prove him wrong, I just knew that he was wrong.  Yes, there are a lot of people who eat McDonald’s, yes there is a high rate of success for people who own a McDonald’s for this very reason.  Does it make the people who eat there predictable and average?  No.  But sort of.  And the fact that diabolically tricking women to get what you want out of them seemed to not be an issue was really flooring me.  The funny thing about using tricks to get people to do what you want is that the more you do it, the more you lose respect for them.  They do become less like individuals in your eyes and more like pawns, easily led by…whatever.  Surely there is a choice guys can make.  Is this really what guys have to do to get us to see a good thing?  Are we really this contradictory and complicated?

Luckily, I had a random guy message me the other day so I was able to ask him what he thought about it.  He went on about the old tennet that hot guys don’t have to do much of anything, and yet some guys who are average or less than average manage to get these attractive women so “game” is the missing link between these outliers that makes sense of their world.  Then I responded:

I have to say, that just seems like a terrible way to go about things. I’m pretty attractive, smart, funny, interesting, easy going,  I like sports, I cook things, blah blah. I’ve been single for a long ass time. But from what I can gather, all that goes under the category of “that’s life.”   That shit builds character.

Right then…RIGHT THEN.  I figured it out.  That…shit…BUILDS……


Believe it or not, that is what we’re looking for, whether we know it or not.  Why?  Because that’s what we’re made to do.  We are not only man’s mate, but we are helper.  We are incentive to do good and to be the best.  When man is struggling through this shit world, and they want to quit and they think “what’s the use?”  we are the use.  We say “yaaay, go man go.”  And they are made to love us, therefore they respond positively to that type of reinforcement.  It’s a beautiful, natural synergy.

But somewhere along the way, something happened.  Some man said, “this is too hard.  How can I just get the beautiful woman?”  Maybe they saw how easy it was for some other guy, or just decided they were never gonna be good but they still wanted a mate.  And call me crazy I’m just gonna throw this out there, maybe at some point having women became a sign of personal power, strength, skill, prowess, etc. etc.  So some men decided to forego the natural way of things and decided to make the prize the main thing, over what the prize can do to benefit you and others.  It would be like if the old proverb about “teaching a man to fish” became so highly regarded, that everyone lied about how many people learned by their hand and fishing pole sales went through the roof.

At some point, word got out that desperation in a man is unattractive.  It’s annoying, I know.  I’ve been desperate for things I wasn’t able to get.  Seems like when you’re desperate for something, that’s precisely the time you should have it, right?  In most cases not really.  What should you do then?  Stop being desperate.  How do you do that?  Wait.  See that not having what you’re desperate will not kill you, not even a little bit.  That’s very hard.  But life responds to this way, which is the natural way.

What you shouldn’t do is pretend to not be desperate.  Unfortunately this is what most men do.  So when men say things like, “when you see a beautiful woman, pretend like you don’t want her,” what they’re really doing is mimicking something that looks like good character.  Because men who have the experience of being around beautiful women realize that all that glitters ain’t gold, so they stop trippin.  This is known as developing character.  But perhaps you have not yet developed this.  Perhaps you know the truth about beauty in theory, but are still desperate to test said theory out.  So you run game.  Let’s say game works.  Well guess what?  That character trait you’re faking?  You can’t maintain it very long.  And surprise!  The relationship doesn’t last.

Is this how the average modern relationship is built???!?! *shudders*

No wonder everything is a mess.

My recommendation to men would be this: build character.  It’s harder than just scheming, it’s true, but in the long run, it will be much better for everyone.  Because at this point, the current system is filling this world with deceit, and you don’t want to be reaping all that for the rest of your life (or in Buddhist terms, karma is a b$*#!

And you might be saying, “well…building character is hard and it takes a long time.”  ding ding ding!  That’s why it works.  And guess what else?  The harder your life sucks, the faster your character will grow, especially if you do it intentionally.  Don’t have a woman right now?  Every day that you deal with that is building your character.  Worried about what to do when you do get a woman?  Challenge yourself.  Do something that scares you.   Pick a fear then conquer it.  Then you won’t have to wonder if you’re the man nor not, or wait for me to say it, you’ll know.  And I won’t matter so much.  Take a ballroom dance class.  That will help you with about… 80% of all women-related things you’ll need.  “But that’s totally weird and I’ll feel like a weirdo doing that.”  Hi, did you just get here??  SUCK…IT…UP.  CHARACTER.

Listen, I can’t speak for everyone obviously, but the women out here are building character themselves.  They’re learning, growing, getting better, getting over themselves, being single and learning to love that.  And if guys are doing nothing of the sort, then relationships are going to be forever unequal.  What we’re asking for doesn’t take long to build.  Quit complaining that our standards are too high.  You wouldn’t ask anyother institution in life to do that.  Juliard is not lowering its standards for you, nor is Burger King.  Yet take solace in the fact that nothing is fixed.  If you’re not good enough this year, try again NEXT YEAR.  THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING ELSE IS DONE.  And surprisingly, the person that didn’t make it last year can, with time, be the golden standard the next.  Why is that?

Because people grow.  They develop.  They build character.

If we expect this from every aspect of society from performers to pee tests at Fed Ex, why should we make an exception for what is supposed to be the most important thing we’ll do in life???

Defending Chris Brown

Defending Chris Brown

I have a tendency to take what people say to me at face value.  Maybe it’s lazy, but I really don’t have time to decipher the hidden language behind what you’re saying to me.  If you want to speak in code then I’ll let that be your problem and not so much mine.  So the subsequent words will be built upon the following assumptions:

That Chris Brown in fact performed at the BET awards last night.

That everyone who has an opinion on it has actually seen said performance.

That some people truly question whether his emotion was real.

That MJ ultimately deserves a paramount tribute in whatever way humans are blessed to give it.

The truth is this:  Chris Brown’s performance at the BET awards was poetic and revelatory.

I had to re-watch it about four times.  The first time I watched I was leaving my body so I couldn’t properly pay attention. The second time was to absorb all the the sweet spots in the choreography that Brown delivered just right.  The third time was to watch the nuances, nuances that proved Brown not only admired Michael and took from him like Usher, Ne-yo, Justin and so many others, but that he was watching him.  Brown copies MJ moves I’ve not seen another artist copy, either because they couldn’t do it or didn’t pay attention hard enough, and it makes me think for a nanosecond, “can the void be filled after all?”  And the fourth time, well, I’m a sucker for raw, spontaneous emotion.  There’s only one other dancer I’ve ever felt compelled to rewind like this.  And that was Michael Jackson.

I’m a sensitive person.  Always have been– sometimes to my social detriment, perhaps to the dismay of a parent or two, but mostly to my benefit as a person of strong individuality and conviction.  By nature I am a quiet, cautious observer.  Consequently I know bullshitter from miles away, especially one under pressure.  There were several on the show last night.  Chris Brown was not among them.

I’m surprised, in fact, that the theory of “faking it” has made it far enough into the collective conversation to even be mentioned by major media outlets.  Sure, because we all know from his court appearance and powder blue stint on Larry King that Brown is a master of PR!  He waited over a year to blow us away with his devious half sing half cry ploy, yeah that’s it!  Because he doesn’t have a real place to drum up that emotion.  It’s not like he lost everything that a man can’t afford to lose– friends, his girl, possibly family, his sole means of making his way in the world, and a reputation to build it all back– and then lost a mentor a few months later, one who would’ve still been kind to him even if the rest of the world was not, because he too knew what it was like.  No, it couldn’t have been the culmination of all that.  Chris Brown wasn’t fooled by BET giving him a major performing slot, wasn’t fooled by all the cathartic applause after he DID the damn thing, NO! That sneaky Chris Brown knew that in order to be accepted back into the arms of the public, he had to stop at nothing to make us cry.  Dear reader, if Chris Brown truly had that kind of foresight, he wouldn’t have been angrily driving in the middle of the night, alone in an expensive car with a screaming girl from the islands.

Chris Brown "deceit"?: Operation Ugly Cry

When skepticism reaches unhealthy, fruitless heights it becomes far more outlandish than a lie could ever be.  If we’re going to accurately assess what we see, let’s be realistic.  The truth is, the Chris Brown we’ve come to observe is flawed, young and impulsive, with a passion and sincerity that informs his art but makes walking the tightrope of public opinion something awkward and painful to watch.  For these reasons he was damned.  Yet these are the very same traits that will redeem him.

If you’re still not convinced, well you’re a cold hearted bastard but let me say this.  It was this kind of skepticism, this kind of ambivalence that wouldn’t let Michael Jackson be great.  We cradled those doubts, let them prey on our hearts and withheld love so that we could be mentally safe, only to find that after death none of us really gave a shit.  We figured out that there was too much to love, too much good to remember, and the negativity we once held on to for posterity was so thin and full of holes, we wanted to set every seed-planting tabloid story on fire.  And anyone who formed their lips to say another word about the man who died trying bring the world the highest quality of joy he could give got a warning, or a loud “MAMMA SAY MAMA SA MA-MAKOSSA!”  They weren’t trying to bring a balanced view, they were being a hater.  Plain and simple.  Who else would talk ill of a dead man, a man incapable of hurting anyone else now, or helping them for that matter.  We remember that feeling acutely; but not a moment later, here comes the same damn situation.  Ya’ll…it’s the same damn thing.  What are you going to do?  You gonna wait til Chris Brown is put in the ground to give him the benefit of the doubt?  He won’t need it by then because he’ll be in the arms of Jesus.  You’ll still be throwing darts of judgment at love thinking it’s a trick, meanwhile Chris will have learned his lesson and yours too.  Best believe Chris won’t be judgin’ nobody.  He’d have to be as calloused as…well, you.

Here’s what I’m getting at.  Now’s a good time to pull out that judging passage that people just love to quote (Matthew 7:1, for those who don’t actually know where it is).  I know most people think it’s a fancy way to say “leave me alone,” but there’s actually meaning to it, pertinent to this very situation.  You know why Jesus had to tell us that?  Because we like to judge people.  You know why the son of God had to issue a threat to mankind?  Because judgment is detrimental, not for the other person but for us.  Just hearing people say, “eh, he was faking it.”  It’s literally disgusting.  Brushing it aside because it’s so quick, so easy, so smart, so safe.  Not only is it leaving a putrid trail of needless doubt and negativity in its wake, but comments like that make people sound like blind idiots who don’t know a damn fuckin thing about life.  Always believing the worst of someone is just as naive as believing that someone is always good.  Yet only one is better on your soul.  So, when in doubt believe the best about someone.  Chris Brown got to do what he wanted to do, and it was beautiful.  MJ would’ve been on his feet, no question.  He poured the last year and a half into a tear-laden tribute, and did what everyone else thus far had been scared to do in their tributes: try to match the heart, the ambition, the magic of Michael Jackson’s dance.  Even scarier?  When you think about it, Chris Brown isn’t even at the top of his game right now.

There. I’ve said my peace.  Now, go watch it again.

I’m hangin’ on, Jesus

I’ve been gone a long time, I know. And what’s brought me back is not an update:


here’s the text:

The Worst Sex (Education) in History Feb 18, 2009

Florida’s bay area is experiencing a huge increase in STDs, with rates of infection among teenagers nearly doubled since the 1990s. It’s a statistic that doesn’t make any sense (didn’t we just hear that you guys are having less sex these days?) except that Florida is one of the many states that began teaching abstinence-only sex education about, oh, ten years ago.

Wow, weird coincidence, huh?

Most people would look at these stats and conclude that abstinence education—which has been criticized for, among other things, misrepresenting the effectiveness of condoms in preventing pregnancy and STDs—is neither effective nor educational. But for fans of abstinence education, not even an army of syphilis-infected 14-year-olds proves that their programs don’t work. Boy, would I love to be a fly on the wall at those school board meetings:

Board Member #1: Bill, I just don’t understand it. We’ve had our abstinence education program in place for ten years, but kids are still doing it!

Board Member #2: I know! They’re… they’re… sexing each other! All the time!

Board Member #1: I mean, what more do they want? We told them not to do it!

Board Member #2: We did! We told them specifically not to sex each other! It’s like they aren’t listening. What are we supposed to do now?

Non-Clueless Board Member: Maybe we should expand the program to include some information about condoms.

Board Member #1: No way. Are you crazy? You know what will happen! First you show them a condom, and the next thing you know, they’re running all over the place with their dingles and hoo-has hanging out!

Slightly Less Clueless Board Member: Dingles and… do you mean “penises” and “vaginas”?

Board Member #1: I will not tolerate language like that at this meeting!

Slightly Less Clueless Board Member: But those are the scientific term—

Board Member #1: Enough! Look, how about this: let’s just go back out there and tell them not to have sex with each other. Except this time we’ll say it, like, really loud.

Board Member #2: Great idea. Really, I don’t understand why they’re having such a hard time with this. Just don’t have sex! That’s it! How hard is it to just not have sex?

Board Member #1: I don’t get it either, Bill. Abstinence isn’t so hard. I mean, my wife hasn’t had sex with me in years.

I literally had something I can only describe as a “head storm” after reading this. First of all, this may be the first time I’ve ever seen a NEWS story include a f*@% skit. Secondly, it is not just my pet peeve, but my full overgrown peeve when people make fun of other people trying to help. Not people who are helping making fun of other people who are helping, but people who aren’t helping, ain’t doin S*@%!, making fun of other people trying to help. In other words, I hate mockery. UUUGHHHGHHHGHHHHHH!H!HH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAATTTTEEE IIIAAAAEETTTTTTTT!!!

Thirdly, it is so beyond unscientific to ASSUME– and you KNOW what happens when you assume– that because there’s been ten years of STD’s, and the program started ten years ago, that the program is the cause of the pregnancy and STD’s. Are you on crack? There are just as many unsuccessful non-abstinence programs and you know why? B/c the constant is the teens. The teens, for some reason, are lazy no good bastards.

“Don’t have sex.”

“Nah, I’m going to.”

“Okay, if you’re gonna have sex use a condom, go to the doctor, use all these eighty different kinds of contraceptive, do this kind of yoga, optiony options blah blah myriad blah options.”

“Oh what, I gotta leave the house to do that? What if that dude says no, what if that girl asks me for the truth? Nah I’m not doin’ that.”

Tell me why I should be in so much mental anguish over some people that at 10 and 12 have shown a COMPLETE depletion in character? What am I supposed to do about that?

Fourthly, and I’m not even a fan of sex having to be taught in school let alone abstinence-only education, it sounds like basically they were right. Sound like they said don’t have sex or it won’t be pretty and you didn’t listen and you look like an ass now ‘cuz your parents ain’t never even seen what you got yourself into. So it sound like some people mad b/c you confirmed their beliefs about you and your beliefs about you, and you want it to not be because they’re completely devoid of self-control, you wanna blame the program, so you can have better sleep. Well then let’s not even beat around the bush anymore. Teaching abstinence was trying to give them a little freedom, a little benefit of the doubt that maybe people can make good decisions still but they clearly can’t so let’s just do what we all really wanna do, and corral these monkeys up single file. Here boys, don’t you leave the house without this condom on yo’ dick. Here girls, line up and get some of this cocktail shot in your arm. It’s equal parts contraceptive, gardisil, clorox, and some roofies to make you nice company. There now, we can all fall asleep in our nice peaceful controlled world where we can’t even tell that our character is so shit we can’t stay in one place too long, and we’ll rely on the government and/or capitalism when it feels too horrible to be sad and/or happy. That’s better isn’t it?

*sigh* now i’m better.