Well I’m Not the Only One

For those unfamiliar with the symbology alone forget the subject matter, this might be a bit of a stretch.  But if these things are correct we don’t have a lot of time to get you to a comfortable place with this.  If these things are correct you have about six months before believing becomes seeing.  Best to prepare yourself now while you are thinking soberly, rather than later when sober thinking will surely be an unattainable luxury.

I have more that I could elaborate on but I just can’t seem to find the time, because life.  But I haven’t gone anywhere, and there’s more to come, just trying to think of what to say next, I suppose.  Perhaps a question or two will help me with what else I need to cover so by all means, ask away.  Otherwise I will be mulling around the next entry.

*EDIT: This originally was another video that was taken down.  Luckily an even BETTER video was posted a few weeks later which is now in its place, a little more straightforward so the description is only slightly relevant.  I encourage you to also watch Pts 2 and 3… but then again so does the video.

A Survey of Christine’s [non-existent] love life as it stands today.

So this is what’s on my mind right now folks, and for good reason.  A good friend of mine has told me that he’ll be in town next month, and presumably quite often, because he just took a job that has “visits to Nashville” in its job description.  Fancy that.  He assured me that such a facet did not have undue influence on his decision to take the job, which I believe (there was also more money involved), but at the time I was a little freaked out over it because it was just a really strange circumstance.  There’s not much else you need to know other than the fact that I once “dated” this friend.  The quotes are because it was a long-distance thing, which is so strange and weird that I wonder sometimes if it even warrants the term “relationship,” at least the way we did it.  Yet and still I’ve known this guy a long time, going on eight years.  Anyway, all this stuff is pretty private, which is why you don’t know about it, and thankfully it is not pertinent to today’s post.  Today’s post is an overview of my love life thus far, a survey that I think is necessary at this point because I’m thinking about doing something… drastic, if the situation gets to that.  In order to justify such um, drastic behavior, I thought I should make a visual representation of all the thoughts and observations that have been swirling around in my head as of late.

So I made a chart.

The chart can’t really be reproduced– at least not in any way that I know of– on this blog.  But I can give you the test subjects, parameters and, most importantly, the results.

So anyway, my love life, as I would consider it, spans about eleven years.  In those eleven years there have been about four major prospects, and when I say “prospects” I’m obviously talking about marriage here.  And just how do prospects become prospects?  Well…I don’t know.  It has a lot to do with this chart I made.  Basically I put down any and all major kind of quality I want in a man, which came out to 27(I was using a piece of loose leaf paper).  The qualities are your average “what do you want in a guy” qualities (funny, smart, attractive, etc.) with a few custom ones for moi (conversation, loves God, likes black women, etc.)  Then I checked all the qualities that each prospect filled (sometimes a half-check meaning, “eh, okay, I’ll give you that one”).  Then I went back and highlighted in blue all the things I HAD TO HAVE at minimum.  Then I went back again and highlighted anything that was more like a “perk” that makes me raise one eyebrow and go, “oh reeally…” about said prospect.  By the way, if any one man had all of the “perks,” I’d be on my second baby right now.

We won’t go into names because, well, this ain’t Wikileaks.  I’m not trying to draw attention to anyone else I’m just trying to vent.  And if you’re reading this you probably know anyway (I know you’re thinking that long and hard about my pathetic love life).  We’ll just call them doors #1, 2, 3, and 4.

Door #1
Like all firsts, door #1 hit me like a city bus.  A years-long city bus.  Door #1 was essentially a crush, one that had to be bled like poison.  Though I can’t be mad at the reams of pages, some of which became award-winning poetry, that came of it.  Plus I grew tons as a person and had a lot of high highs that maybe just eked out over the low lows.  The point being that I was most definitely considering door #1 to be my permanent door, 4-EVA.  But objectively, how does he do?

Checked boxes: 18/27
Must haves: 6/10
Game changing perks: 2/4

So door number one had more than half of the qualities I’m looking for, only 60% of those being must have’s and half being extra “perks.”  Not that great.  Obviously you can’t just whittle someone down to checks on a page.  Door #1 is a looot more impressive in 3D, but now that I look back on it objectively, there is something to be said for seeing how well someone matches up to what you actually want.

Door #2
Technically door number #4 could be door #2 (and door #5 for that matter), but the reveal would be much more dramatic if he’s last.  For now we’ll look at door #2

Checked boxes: 17/27
Must haves: 7.5/10
Game changing perks: 2/4

So I did a little better with door #2, who had 75% of my must-haves.  And you’re probably thinking, “um, can you really compromise on your must-haves?”  You could, but it doesn’t work well.  And you have to work with the people that come at you, as you probably well know.  You’d have to fill at least…I guess three of my must-haves to make my heart skip, which range between rather unfairly subjective standards (“good heart” and “conversation”) and the basics (“single” and “in love with me”)  Can you guess which must-haves are coming up short?

Door #3

Checked boxes: 17/27
Must haves: 5/10
Game changing perks: 2/4

Wow, just…wow.  Gotta love that game changing perk.  By the way, one of his game-changing perks was just two half-checks.  Same with the must haves.  This door was a little more… well this one was locked.  And I kept trying it til it got kind of embarrassing so I just left.  But he was a prospect none the less.  Some of the checked boxes carried more weight at some point, I think.  At any rate, all this is to set up door #4, the door that I opened with at the beginning of this post.

Door #4
Lemme just say, another big reason for all this over-analyzed dramaticking is that for these past eight years, aside from a few tremors, I have completely and totally SLEPT ON door #4.  The reason for the occasional tremors are thus:

Door #4

Checked boxes: 22.5/27
Must haves: 9/10
Game changing perks: 2/4

That’s right, 80% of the wish list, ALL of the must haves (two half checks), and averaging half the perks, one of which, by the way NONE of the others had and the other had to be invented on his behalf.  Oh, and one of the perks he didn’t get?  He’s not a musician.  So, yeah, there’s a lot going on with this particular door.  Definitely the best results I’ve ever had, a lot of things I knew but overlooked, didn’t really value, or thought were fake.  But no, after eight years, I’ve gained a little more perspective.  This doesn’t take into account the little things that he has going on to which the others aren’t really applicable.  So yeah.  It’s making me wonder.

And of course the other question is, can I find a better door?  Sure, anything’s possible.  The thing is, this door came along in ‘03, and there haven’t been many doors since then, and you see how well they’ve scored.  I sometimes tell myself, “wait til you’re right where you’re supposed to be, and the dudes there will be next level.”  Could be true.  Ultimately though, I made that up.  But this guy is, in fact, real.  And there are some things that are worth more to me than finding a “next level” guy which really just means some exotic species that wears skinny jeans and ties doing the same thing I’m doing.  And that’s cool but… can that really win out over a guy that has been consistently, patiently, steadily after me in one way or another, without over or under doing it, has seen me grow and change and has supported and –dare I say– loved it all?  And has done this all from a distance??  How can I turn that down for the prospect of skinny jeans?

Needless to say, I have a lot to think about.  And ultimately God knows I just want to do the right thing.  Really.  Being in love is super electric and great and all, but I’m all about the right thing these days.

So yeah.  that’s pretty much what’s going on with me right now.

*Door #4 turns out to be the total dud he was for all those years.  In less than a year, however, you meet the real door #5 and he will be THE door.  But how does he stack up on the list?  22/27 x’s, 10/10 being must- haves and 2/4 game changing perks.  You thought he’d be the whole list but no.  The difference?  Aside from being made for each other, chart wise only 0.5 points.  What he lacked in an x, he made up for in completing all your must haves w/ complete checks.  The moral?  Don’t settle.  

May 21, 2008

Doogie eats my dust

Harrison Ford is on Conan tonight. I’ve been watching him all weekend b/c the Indiana Jones marathon is on. Harrison Ford is sexy. You’ll have to forgive me for not knowing this earlier. I missed it all these years, I didn’t get it. He wasn’t bad on the eyes but he never made any of my lists. Maybe my priorities have changed. I have a real admiration for men who are gray and wrinkly but still killin’ it, without plastic surgery, earrings, stylish haircuts or clothes. The sexy was still emanating from him. That’s cool. It means sexy is a real thing, and it has little to do with perfection, maybe not even that connected to physical beauty. Though it helps. It has to be cultivated and then maintained, by certain character traits, that manage to avoid waining even after tumultuous, life-questioning experiences and circumstances.

For example, Paul Newman. One of the most beautiful men that have ever walked the earth. When I was little I had no knowledge of him or his Cool Hand Luke, or Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Liz Taylor, which should be banned for too much beauty on film. I don’t think I was putting two and two together about the salad dressing yet. Anyway, a movie came out called Nobody’s Fool, and he was in it. It was the 90’s so he was fairly old by this point. I remember the previews, and I was confused. I was confused because this old guy was the focal point of the movie. It just wasn’t the usual. And I was like, “who is this old guy, and why is he so important?” I noticed that he wasn’t a usual old guy, he was acting very…young. His eyes were young, and he was this spunky old guy. But not Walter Matthau old guy spunky, it was like, what I now know was Cool Hand Luke spunky. And he was handsome. And I was like, “this old guy has got some sexy in him still…he must’ve been hot when he was young.”

I just saw an iPod commercial with Coldplay in it. It’s good to see that solidified coolness hasn’t impeded their sense of commercialism.

I’ve been watching a lot of TLC. It’s no secret that I love John and Kate plus 8. It comes on late at night, and at 2am I’m hoping that once some gorgeous little half Asian thing comes on the screen and barely says “on this episode of John and Kate plus 8,” I realize that it’s one I’ve already seen. Otherwise I have to watch it. The last two episodes of What Not to Wear have featured black people. Once they get to the hair and makeup portion, you could tell they were nervous. There was a look in the eye of “are you sure you know what you’re doing?” A slight, back-of-the-mind terror that these professionals didn’t know what they were getting into, and a self-consciousness and dread for being burdensome. But suddenly I was watching this Australian hairstylist go to work on this black woman’s hair. Like flat iron, style, the works. It was extraordinary. This evolution has managed to take place in the last few years without much fuss. You can actually find a white cosmetic professional work on a black person without looking panicked or unprepared, if you really look. For many of us, that means a different world. I then watched a white woman do their makeup and explain how to find the right shades for their skin tone, since it can be harder to find (!) The end of both makeovers ended in tears. A lot of them do b/c it’s nature of makeover shows, but I’d like to think it had something to do with black people being served by white people without reservation or reluctance, yet also with care, eagerness and expertise. It was notable. It struck my heart and mind as a new experience would, a feeling I haven’t known since I was a child.

I lost one of my journals. One I started a long time ago, for the purpose of my future spouse. I’ve pretty much neglected it since some time last year, but it popped in my head again a few weeks ago, and I went to go pick it up, and found that it wasn’t in its usual spot. Nor in my 2nd or 3rd choices. I’m not really worried about some freak getting hold of it, but it’s just sad that it’s missing. I don’t misplace journals. I don’t like, take them to the movies or on a bus or to other people’s houses, so. I know it isn’t packed away. There’s still a chance that it will show up somewhere. Every once and awhile I’ll remember it’s missing and get up to go searching around for it, retracing the exact same steps each time. It wasn’t my favorite thing but it was worth keeping I thought, and coming back to. Years of unassuming theories and failed plans, different thought processes and goals and outlooks. Just vanished? I don’t know. It seems like some kind of bad omen. My computer crashed awhile back, too. Slowly but surely I’m remembering things that I would’ve really rather not lost. I’ve never made a conscious effort to back up my stuff. I usually manage to have more than one copy of things. But there are a few things that just aren’t coming back. Sad. Lesson learned, I guess. We’ll see.

I’m into these American Experience specials on particular presidents. This week it was FDR. Last week it was President Bush Sr. Both very touching, very eye opening. It definitely made me believe in the sovereignty of God, and the strange dichotomy of democracy and destiny. Maybe we’re just so predictable to God it makes our will seem unfree sometimes. I dreamed about my childhood home the other night, and for the first time in awhile it wasn’t scary.

You can’t even know how frustrated I am with myself these days. I’m so stifled. I can’t speak up. I see it all the time, everywhere suddenly. Something to do with some prayer I prayed. I now have to pray a different prayer to get rid of it. I think there’s something ocd about it. I barely know I’ve did myself in until it’s passed, and have not yet mastered, nay attempted, to go back and rectify a known error. I’m really scaring myself with my own ineptitude. I think I’ll also have to learn to be patient about certain things, and try not to rush a change not made to be rushed.

I’ll have a job soon. By soon I mean in another three weeks. Which is gonna be weird. But I’m excited. The way it happened makes me very hopeful for the future. I’m also trying to write more, and get involved with what’s going on in front of me, locally. Apparently there’s a screenwriters conference coming up but it’s like 100 bucks. If by some miracle that amount of money comes my way I’m going to fight every natural instinct I have and use that money to attend it. I won’t doubt, if it doesn’t happen I’ll just stay home.

By the way Paul Newman isn’t dead. I know the way I wrote that must’ve made it seem that way but I did that for the sake of the memory.   He is now.  It was a matter of time, really.

February 1, 2008

the best I can do these days
Current mood: calm

Finding out about Heath Ledger was unexpectedly traumatizing. At first I thought I could be far removed from it, I welcomed the understanding that I didn’t know him from Adam, so his death won’t impede on my heart so much. But as time wore on I couldn’t shake the sudden and wretched news. Every few minutes I would think, “Heath is dead” and it would make me sick for a potent half second. I tried to seek solace in the details. Maybe it was suicide, maybe he was druggie. Druggies get what’s coming to them, you know. But not an accident. Please don’t tell me, that if someone had caught him sooner, he could be alive, pursuing his ambitions. I didn’t realize that was him in the Batman movie. I’d seen the trailer multiple times. I hadn’t the foggiest idea who it was. Perhaps some British actor, some unknown yet seasoned theatrical veteran called in to add depth, imput, his take on a classic. Good decision, I thought. When I found out it was Heath I couldn’t believe it. I had to find the trailer and watch it again. The movie once wrought with anticipation is now met with gloom.  Like all gloomy things you will get over it and watch said movie, which will be awesome.

I got a job, finally. And I like it. eh. I don’t forsee quitting anytime soon. You won’t, you’ll be fired.  It’s a miracle, really. I came to the realization that I need to work only part of the time. That way I won’t be bludgeoned mentally by the reality that I’m devoting a vast part of my life doing something I do not enjoy. And when I say I “realized” I mean one day my mom was like, “why don’t you just get a part time job?” I seriously didn’t think about that. The Calvinist part of believes that it was all for the best that I spent many months in that kiddie pool of travail. um, it’s still annoying to think about but I suppose it was an integral part of the plan.  I’m always having the “DUH” moments.  embarrassing.

These days USC takes up the mass majority of my thoughts. I looked back on the first day I mentioned it. It was meant to be a tiny pebble in a pool. It has now become… I won’t say an obsession. It’s been a long time since I blogged. I was noticing that!  I was trying to wait til I got inspired but after awhile it became clear that if I didn’t blog soon I wouldn’t ever. Oh.  I’m not explaining this properly. I have married myself to USC. Yeah you did.  Not even the institution itself, just the dream of going. Of being there. The longer I have to wait to hear back, the worse it gets. I see myself in class. On the campus. I see my car packed to the brim. They only let 32 people in the program every year. 32! I keep mentioning it because it bears mentioning. Are there really 32 other writers better than me? Absolutely.  And do they all want the same thing I want, at the same time, in the same place? No, not all of them.  But there were definitely more than 32 better writers.  Maybe I have a chance. You did.  You didn’t get a rejection letter as quick as others.  I keep mentioning it because it bears mentioning.  Maybe it’s not just about skill. But it mostly is. If it is then…I’m a shoe in. A tiny shoe. Who sent in something more compelling than me and what did they say? You’re cute.  The universe knows that this has to happen. The universe knew that it should absolutely NOT HAPPEN.  Untalented people get the upper hand all the time, so it doesn’t matter. Oh, not the hail mary “life’s not fair” argument.  You should’ve known your fate was sealed then.  Since when has life been about merit? Although if I get in you best believe I’ll be utilizing my bragging rights. So that’s pretty much how my train of thought chug-a-lugs every day. Every few hours.

A few months ago I lost my ability to fart silently. I know it’s a bit uncouth to mention but I’m really vexed by it. It’s completely random and sad. We’re talking decades of privilege gone. I never had to excuse myself, never had to blame anyone else, farting was never a gamble. Silent and odorless, it was a source of considerable pride. I thought it was a diet issue but diet doesn’t effect the sound of it. What, I started eating celery and now there’s some sort of anal flap that gives my farts acoustics now? Aw. Now the least bit of demure illusion about me is no more. Oh well. C’est la vie.  I haven’t really run into this anymore.  I don’t know maybe you were having… a moment.

December 31, 2007

How will we ever make it without…

On this edition of “How will we ever make it without…” we examine:

the movie theater preview narrator guy.

How in the hell are we ever going to make it without the movie theater preview narrator guy? Like we’re really gonna care about movies the same way when a different guy is telling us about them? Are we at least training other people in his stead to sound exactly like him? Because honestly, the movie theater preview may lose every ounce of its excitement the day this man dies. And he surely will, it’s a part of life. I know time dictates that we will do what we always do, which is move on. But it just doesn’t seem likely. Movie theater preview narrator guy, you’re in our hearts, as well as our prayers. Godspeed.   Oh cruel fate, how was I to know that you would deliver him into eternity’s hands just before this sentiment could completely fade from my memory.  I hope, before he passed,  he knew.  And I hope they are adequately training his predecessor to sound exactly like him with virtually no deviations whatever.