May 31, 2007

maybe he’s just not that into you
Current mood: distracted
Category: distracted Romance and Relationships

i hate when it gets like this.  I feel betrayed by God.  I feel like I want to destroy myself.  I want out of this now.  More than ever.  More than anything.

October 31, 2006

I can’t compete
Current mood: aggravated

 

So I won’t. 

Enough!  Not that I don’t think I could win it’s just that I don’t know the odds.  Top 5, top 10, top 20.  Who knows?  I’m making a fool of myself now and it’s humiliating today, damn retrospect.  It’s not in my nature to contend for anything.  If it’s mine, it’s mine.  And if so it best be a public confession.  God, this must be how You feel.  Life isn’t much going your way either, now is it.  Heaven’s as much for You as it is for us.

September 12, 2006

there is only God! many squares one, a rung away from wrath, a ground vessel beyond water
Current mood: purgatory

 

there is only God!  there is only God!

it’s easy.

just part the lips just so.  a bristle of air through the teeth, draw a breath and catch a wave of sound from the chords…

no morer digging, no more building, you should never cut loose a quitter.

people and their cruel wicked lives.  people and their toxins.  their obnoxious pride.  hand over fist, hand over fist.  well whooptie fuckin do for you, bitch.  i don’t care.  want my advice?  for what?

well then, for what it’s worth, if we weren’t all dry humping the favor of the Almighty I guess we’d all be like me wouldn’t we?  it’s only me and a few bums know the truth about ourselves.  maybe the world is really just divided between the spoiled and the contrite.

no beginning no end, no umbilical cord no tether… no sympathy no remorse for me.  but it never was up to me, not really.  just like it’s not up to you.  to take the fall for the worst is just as stupid as thanking yourself at the podium. 

no light no let up.  confined in my own mind whether emancipation is or isn’t.  but I can’t pay my illusion bill.  i can’t pay. i can’t pay. i didn’t realize what a luxury it was to pay. 

my fingers and feet. cold, stuck gingerbread. broken off and a few inches away.  my genetalia comes next. and then my belly.  and then my heart.  until there’s nothing left except my eyes and my awful head.  to see it all and process it. and process it.  and store it and remember.  and store it and remember.  if i ever get out of this with a semblance of sanity, if i can still recognize a single good thing, if I’m still the same inside, I think I’ll live a life of unrelenting charity.  a bitter hose of spite and good will. 

it’s not like if we did this all again things would’ve been different.  your quarter and my quarter would still only make half.  there’s only a few things wrong with you.  mine’s congenital, I haven’t been right since I opened my eyes.  at some point “why” becomes… scraps. 

i thought of saying something mean to you, but there aren’t the words ample enough to wound you just how I want.  anyway, if it’s worth any thing you’re the only reason i’ve ever said a single thing.  i learned to do for myself, but.  it didn’t get me nearly as far.  maybe that’s how it ought to be.  it’s what I get for trying to get too full.  they tried to tell me stop dreamin that way. 

i’m sick about the bottom feeling like home.  immediately my singing got better, I knew that was a sign.  oh, the table is just too painful.  i’m out of breath, I sweat.  I dirty napkins and hide them around the house.  so many responsibilities, I spent too much time trying to fake being normal i should’ve just got on my hands and knees and really worked with my disease.  can you by any chance see that?  my words are disgusting in my own mouth

June 12, 2005

lookitmenow: a stuhhreeeaaam afta tha fact
Current mood: ecstatic

spic and span in my spahkly new shirt for $5.49 complete with an accent.  I’m thinkin’ Bahston…”the claimant was dischahhged…”  this is what I do all day.  I know I know I said I was done but I’ve really found, not the cure, but the path.  It’s a path, dummy, not a pill.  Although I must say…I went a little John Nash last time I immediately see.  I was in my shed with the hanging messages and a telephone…It’s hard to flip channels and do this.  I’m glad they gave the kids from the Real World a job.  What are they now, 37?

Long story short God has gutted me like the fish.  How a cleansed colon must feel.  And I say finally because I can’t imagine living that way again.  But then again there are people that lose and gain and lose and gain…what’s that called again?  I’ve been known to go back to my vomit just as enamored.  Doubts are from hell. Okay!  So I get it.  God I take back everything I’m going to say.  Jesus is hott.

Big up to my man who sent me writhing in a bloodish robe on the couch Friday night.  You ask me how many buttons and I say seven.  My favorie number because there are two threes protecting the one, guardian of my other favorite numbers.  The month of my birth.  It’s superstition, I know.  Anyway, yeah I always knew it was you.  I bet you like breakfast burritos.  You sexy fink.  I owe you a coke.

On Sunday night a part of me dies.  I don’t know how much of me will be left once I get the courage to move on, if there is such a thing.  I dream I cast the devil out of Eminem.  While I’m awake I dream I hold a baby with a stronger right arm while he wriggles and warms and faces the world.  Or she.  These things make it hard to do claims.  Base period wages.  Oh, I’m sorry I can’t be more profound at 1 am.  I love everyone!  Oh, that supercilious dimensia, its about time you lose momentum.  Dammit!  I’m not conveying this right.  I have a spirit of hospitality.  quiet is mire.  In, hih, bih, shuns.  This is my maiden name.

watch out, bitches.  i should’ve opened with this.

September 18, 2004

rehab

I’m going to be doing some detoxifying next week and I’m really quite excited. Some fasting, some praying, some re-evaluating of life focus. Last night I realized that perhaps I’m in love with being in love. Grrrrrrr, screw that. I have got to start thinking clearly. But sometimes it’s no use trying to prepare for inevitable disaster. I’m pretty smart and I still ignored every possible sign, aside from the obvious fact that we’ve nothing in common and he’s way dumber than me. He’s really only a fraction of what I want. No matter, I know now. I’m free and it actually feels good, so it wasn’t a total loss. In fact I’ve only gained, so. Yay for him. Now on to real life.