There are so many things wrong with me right now. Where to begin?
It all started with this stupid job that I saw last week.
I’ve been looking for a job. The one that I was counting on fell through, so I need something by the end of the month. I was looking for something part time, but if I found something really good full time, I wasn’t about to turn it down.
I don’t really want to go into the back story of why the job I found was like beyond any dream of amazingness, let’s just say that it was. I told God I really wanted the job. I understood that I could not get it, but I also understood that if I didn’t, it would be a really difficult thing for me, though I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to think about that at the moment, I just wanted to focus on getting it.
So anyway, I applied. I tried to use some networking skills that I felt I had acquired, I still don’t know if they affected anything. All I know is, that when I went to look up the job on Tuesday, it had been removed.
Could it be that they took it down because they had enough applicants? Sure. Could they still be deliberating this decision? Possibly. Could it not be the great job I’m thinking it is? Yeah. But the reality is more than likely that the position has been filled and, more than likely, here’s another desire of mine that is absolutely no match for the reality that life IS, and that you are utterly powerless against the numberless decisions, possibilities, likelihoods, and destinies that make up life.
It’s not a reality that I want right now, or should I say, one that I want to go back to. Before I was at Belmont, before I was working, I was not. I was emphatically devoid of any action words. That was two years ago. Now, I’m out of school again, out of a job again. Not the only one, but a crucial one. The uncertainties of life out to crush me again. Will I survive? Yeah. But what’s that about? What makes my odds for success so dismal? Is it me? Don’t think I hadn’t thought about that. And of that, it could be many factors: my inability to follow through with anything, my virtual invisibility, my abhorrence for my own natural talents, my complete and utter lack of proper self-evaluation, I’d just need one of these to explain it. That is, if life is completely the result of one person’s actions.
But it isn’t true. It just isn’t. Some actions bring about results, and others just don’t, and it’s not up to you. If it were, I’d be reaping a lot more, both good and bad. Forget that I don’t understand any of it, the fact of the matter is, I really didn’t need that thing to happen, because it took all of the elasticity out of my will to dive into this new year. I should never have seen that job, I knew something like this would happen. The level of discontent that I have right now is immeasurable. You probably don’t understand, but God knows me. He knows me. But He still made the decision He made. And I know His infiniteness makes it futile to argue but that only adds to the overall “over it” feeling I have. I’ve got to stop trying, I just can’t try anymore. I was really optimistic when I didn’t think there was something that I wanted out there. I thought, “you’re going to hate it all, so you might as well find something that you’ll like for awhile, until you don’t anymore. And just do that about 100 more times and then you can die. And maybe you’ll learn some things.”
It’s stupid for me to keep trying to do this. Nothing works. Nothing has worked. Why would I keep trying to do something that doesn’t work? People need a sense of accomplishment, a sense that it matters what they do in the world. A lot of the people I know that are happy have this. Some have had it so much they think they can actually tell you what is wrong with your life based on the affirmation life has given them. Well, let me tell you what life has told me over the past seven years. That my efforts, are so tiny, so insignificant, that they can barely make a dent in the universe, let alone cause it to actually stop and respond to me, and tell me why what I did couldn’t have worked. It’s also telling me that there’s some magical component about being in school that makes it ideal. Truthfully I don’t know what it is. I thought it had something to do with the sharing of ideas or something… I think it just has something to do with the fact that I paid out the ass for it, or that it has no actual real world equivalent that matters to anyone else. But it worked. I had this, like a blanket, for two years. Now that it’s gone, I don’t know which life was the reality. Do I have the capacity for success or not?
There’s something fundamentally wrong with the way I look at things, and I know that. I know that for every person in the world, there is another way to see it. Would it help me? That’s the assumption. Problem is, no one seems to be able to tell you a better way to do something without tearing at your own psyche first, without “correcting” you first. And the 1/6billionth percent more knowledge I would get from such an encounter just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore. There was a time that I believed so strongly in diverse opinions that I would listen to practically everyone, which I’m sure was just an extreme that ended up doing more harm than good. But again, too much effort for me to correct right now. I also know there’s a cornucopia of invisible things going on, and part of this is a last ditch effort to be proven wrong. I don’t like to make an ass of myself, I don’t like to go back and apologize for some faulty idea. Maybe if I go off the deep end about it, none of it will be true. I’m willing to have every person shake their head at me in the end, even laugh, if it means that my life can be somehow different than it is. But the fact is, I’m tired of dreaming, tired of hoping, I’m officially down for the count. Maybe life will make something of me, maybe it won’t. But it certainly won’t be at the hand of my own efforts, because I am now embarrassed to the core to continue believing in anything that I can do. It was a fear that I thought I overcame, that has now become a truth that I fruitlessly tried to ignore. Or perhaps a prophecy. Maybe even a curse. The key is now to try and not self-destruct. Apathy is helping a lot with that. It’s not ideal, probably not even healthy, but it’ll have to do for now.
On a side note: It’s come to my attention that I think much much further ahead than most people. I unfortunately have no way of conveying this to anyone. I always suspected that but now I know. It doesn’t help me, or change anything, and I can’t make any money with it, and ironically it doesn’t make me any smarter. Just early. Painfully early. And thus often misunderstood. But oh well. As far as I’m concerned it’s just another random puzzle piece in my humiliatingly insufficient bag of resources. No offense God. Although, I have to say…what the fuck, Man?
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