The following day after the last post I heard a brilliant sermon preached by the magnanimous Timothy Keller called Praying our Fears. In it, he outlined the subtle difference between fear and anxiety, citing a proper psychologist on the matter of whom I cannot think of the name. He used the illustration that fear, its healthy form, is that thing that moves you out of the way of a moving car and to safety. Anxiety is what you have left after that experience. Anxiety. I think that’s what I was getting at in my last posting. He gave four practical steps, only three of which I can remember. At the time I was overjoyed, I felt it was an immediate answer to a prayer. I still feel that way. But it’s not changing my life’s circumstances, and aside from doing a lot of thoughtless things, there’s really nothing that can.
I am plagued with a lot of anxiety. I do remember the last step he gave, which was “remember the people.” Basically find something outside of yourself to focus on. Which I would totally do if I could remember what the step was RIGHT before that one, which I can’t. I try to focus on other people, sometimes I think I really am focused on them. But it ends up being sort of clinical and kind of “oh well.” Because the way I see it, people are a powerful force. It’s damn near impossible to control or predict a person. Not that I think that’s the only thing one can do with people, I just mean it’s difficult to set your intentions to people and also maintain happiness. Especially me, who has a tendency to just get dragged around once a new person enters my life. It’s a gamble, to say the least. I’m not happy now, and everything about life suggests that having people in it is not only ideal but intended. But it’s the uncomfortable stuff, stuff that I am in no way used to (e.g. the cornucopia of ways there are to get hurt) that seem to outweigh the whole people in your life thing. I get that everyone is beautiful and all that. No one understands that more than I . But we’re also all human. Filthy, flawed, extreme, evil, blind humans. Having people in your life still beats out root canals and all that, and I’ve had some success in finding people I like that also like me. But to me, meeting people is about as tenuous as finding a job. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s easy, but you don’t succeed by doing just anything. This is not really the point, mind you. I don’t need to meet new people. I’ve got plenty of people to focus on already.
Yesterday I was sitting at my computer listening to a bunch of teenagers being teenagers, and I had the fleeting thought that I should say something to engage the entire room. The thought was dutifully rejected. I had it in me to do, but I didn’t do it. A lot of my discontent comes from this trope that I have about myself, which is that I don’t do anything. People try to tell me, “oh pish posh” but that doesn’t help, nor does it change the fact that aside from a few things, I literally don’t, and haven’t done, anything. It bothers me. I go around thinking, “what should you do today?” “What have you done today?” “Well you’ve got to do something today.” When I do something, anything, I’m like, ready to throw a party for myself. For awhile I thought I was maybe being too critical of myself, which may be true. But the thought struck me that I don’t do anything because I don’t try. I don’t try and I don’t think to try. I tried to think back to a time where I wasn’t afraid to try, and I don’t think there was one. It was my natural disposition, made worse by various life incidents. I could probably lay out to you all the reasons why I don’t try:
#1 Something…could…happen.
Sounds harmless enough. But it’s actually quite frightening. In movies, on tv, the characters try, and it usually turns out well. Even if it turns out disasterous, there’s usually some point to it that you can readily see, because it’s not real life. Life hasn’t been written by anyone, and life is far more complex than any room of overpaid writers. You don’t know WHAT is going to happen. People are crazy, and they don’t have any clue that they need to go easy on you b/c it’s your first attempt at something and if it doesn’t go well you may never try again. I get a picture in my mind of when, like you know when you’re playing a video game, and you have to defeat this big scary monster thing, or a “boss.” In some games, nothing will happen as long as you don’t start shooting at them, you both just stand there. But as soon as you start attacking, that thing starts doing all this crazy unpredictable shit, and it could spur you to do something brilliant, or it could just kill you immediately and you were stupid to think you had a chance. That’s what I’m talking about.
#2: NOTHING could happen.
My biggest fear? Not the worst thing, but the non-thing. What if I do something, and NOTHING happens? It literally does nothing? And then I have to try to convince myself that it was some self-augmenting thing that would change me somehow.
#3: What happens after you try? MORE TRYING.
It doesn’t just end after the one thing you try. One try will put you on this endless path of having to try more new things. It’s basically like deciding that you’re going to run a marathon and then suddenly being in it.
#4: It hurts
I can’t tell you how taxing it is at this point to try, especially now. I’m thinking back on all the times in the past that I have tried to try, and I gave up because… it just feels terrible. It’s so blindingly unpleasant, it’s almost impossible to see past it to whatever reward could be awaiting you on the other side. I convinced myself that anything that is that harsh and elaborate couldn’t possibly be real, because no other experience on earth is really like that for me. There’s no immediate perk, only the promise of a perk, and it just doesn’t add up for me. I’m usually all about the long run but with trying, I need something NOW. Right now. Perhaps if I had a source of undying support or something it would be easier. Maybe I should’ve spent more time with my dad, or maybe I didn’t eat the right vegetables, I don’t know. What’s done is done.
You could say that what I’m describing is the same situation everyone faces. Maybe that’s true. I don’t think it is, because I’ve long observed people and have found little evidence for this. Even if it was, that doesn’t help me. Either I’m a special case, or a wuss. Neither is ideal. It’s likely the latter. I’ve been told this in one way or another for a good portion of life. I hated it, but what could I do to prove them wrong? Certainly not write this blog. I’ve seriously told God that I was seriously considering just phoning the rest of this thing in from here on out. I mean I get life, I get it. And it’s great. It’s nice for all that it accomplishes but I really just can’t do most of it. The trying thing is just…I mean it could be the source of all my misery, but my misery is still beating it out by a fairly notable margin. Everything I’ve ever done or accomplished in life was because it was easy for me, beneficial, a combination, or I was just ignorant at the time that it was something that I would never want to do. But trying to reach the heights I see other people reaching, as inspiring as it is, it would just take so many consecutive miracles, and I do believe in miracles, I have seen miracles. But I’ve no reason to expect it. I can’t even get perfectly reasonable and feasible things to happen for me.
With all this said, I’m still going to try to try. I just wanted you to get a feel for just how goddamn hard it is.
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