last weekend- the point and click edition. with pictures.
Around this time last weekend I dropped my phone into the toilet. 
Not just dropped, my phone was immersed. And I have no idea how long. I was in the bathtub, I got out of the bathtub, I recall putting my phone on top of my Bible on top of my counter, and then I went into my room. I got dressed. I tried on a few outfits. I think I went back into the bathroom to get deodorant, and I glanced over at the toilet, which seemed to have an odd looking turd lurking at the bottom of it. It took a few seconds to register…”that’s my phone.”
That’s my phone! In the toilet! The little red light that’s usually on when it charges was on and there seemed to be a humming coming from the bowl. It was vibrating. “Oh my God!!” I said, hasseled. The inevitable truth that my phone was beyond saving had not yet met my mind. I didn’t want it to. I tried in vain to dry it off and just reverse the whole incident. Now that I think about it, it must’ve rang, vibrated off the counter, onto the toilet rim and into the toilet. I turned it off and back on and it would only vibrate, as if it were shivering or quaking itself dry. The inside and outside screen displayed unwipable drops.
My phone bill is due, and inflated due to some international phone call debacle that goes all the way back to November. Take my advice, people. Never make friends with someone outside of the U.S.
After getting dressed I went online to see how much phones were and got pissed. I figured nothing good was going to happen that night so I went to Panera to do work but I ended up just meandering, nursing this site instead of setting out to do what I’d initially planned. I bought myself a song on ITunes and felt a lot better about things. But that didn’t last long, because on my way home I got into a minor accident. Yay, me.
I looked down for a brief moment, the source of all my rear endings now reaching two, and when I looked up there was a massive SUV dangerously close to me and not moving. I hit my breaks which are already sketchy to begin with, but there just wasn’t time and we hit. I was saying “no God no God dammit!” I honestly don’t know if at the time I meant the actual swear gd or God comma dammit. I suppose they merged. An Asian guy got out and a young boy who I guess was his son. In an accident I always just let the other person do everything. Usually because it’s my fault and I have no idea what to do. I do generally have the good fortune of always doing minor damage. The first time I rear ended someone the damage was so minor the other party didn’t even bother. Besides it was their paint that ended up on the front of my car. It was then and there that I suscribed to the philosophy of “no harm done.” My car was dented up a couple other instances by other people, one in a particular a guy in my church parking lot who left me a note. I figure a car is gonna get dents in life, just like people. It gives character. So I basically told him don’t worry about it. I think he was suprised. I like having the power to ease a burden.
Anyway, so the police came and did a minor report. Everyone was very nice, I did my damnedest to be cooperative. The Asian guy was nice, he could see I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. I really just felt humbled. It’s gonna sound strange but I knew this was God getting my attention. As soon as it happened He seemed to be nudging me and, I don’t know, you can’t put impressions into words but he was like a guy trying to pull me on the dance floor. He knows this is truly what I want: chaos, uncertainty, things and people banging together that otherwise wouldn’t have, a test, a punch rolling. I had such a heinous year yet was so full of optimism for what was on the other side of the storm, but then at the first sign of stability I sort of built myself this ridiculous cabana and was ready to settle for that. It was humiliating when it all fell apart. With a tiny push. And then I was devastated like a kid in preschool when someone bumps the table and collapses my Lego house.
Anyway. I went home and reported it online to the insurance company. It was minor enough to not really matter but real enough to teach me a lesson. Those are the kinds of tests I like.
So now I’m thinkin…okay. Two mishaps in a row, let’s just go to bed and fuggetaboutit. Right? Not so easy.
Enter Saturday. Saturday was pretty flippin’ excitin because it was to be the first De Novo Dahl show that I’ve attended since…I’d say August maybe. Technically it was a Girl Talk show but…for me it was not. What did I think of Girl Talk? Um, I don’t know it was DJ’ing on LSD, I imagine it’s an idea that any dj or aspiring has had in their lives. It was either an homage to music or his own collection, maybe a bit of both. And I’m sure all those artists will probably repay him with jailtime, cuz other than the placement there wasn’t anything original about it, so I’m sure the height of his success will only bring a lawsuit. It was too frenetic for the black people to dance to so the white people just jumped around like the Holy Ghost was there. And that was entertaining. It had a house party vibe, without all the mess of worrying about breaking something valuable of your mom’s.
Aanyway so no De Novo Dahl since August. 
I missed the other shows while I was in Tampa. I used to concern myself with whether people were familiar with De Novo Dahl or not but now I don’t worry that much about because if you’re not already you soon will be. They’re pretty respected here locally, which is an outcome I never imagined for them. When a band starts out the goal is usually the stars. Success equals MTV2. But after nearly six years, to see them cited as influences? It’s an unexpected delight for me, and I’m not even in the damn band. Someday we’ll eat their Tennessee dust, and in that day I’ll go on a very desperate tangent about how I was at the very first show they ever played ever. Though I hope we can both somehow be a trivia question one day.
My show posse had dwindled down to me and Andrea, because it had snowed earlier that day and was still cold out, and just overall general disinterest. Which doesn’t bother me, I’m not good at hyping things and I don’t want to make people go to something they ultimately don’t want to see. But I will sorely but vaguely point out that in the future I may have trouble going to a dnd show with a buncha posers. Anyway here’s the thing: we were pretty much there when we forgot we had to stop at an ATM for cash. We both had different banks so we stopped at Andrea’s first, at one of those ATM thingies that was like, facing the street, perpendicular to the aisle things you line up for when the bank’s open. Well I was pulling out, and the front of my car dropped suddenly about a foot with a loud BANG! I couldn’t see that in front of my car was not an incline but a big, steep ass curb.
And now I was going down it. Andrea said, “well, you’re just gonna have to keep going.” But I couldn’t. I tried to back up but I couldn’t. We got out and looked at my diagonal car. I won’t drag out the drama but I was definitely confounded befuddled and just all around flummoxed. Mishap number three!! Divinely there was a group of about four guys that saw the whole thing and got out to try and help us. They tried numerous times in numerous ways and decided eventually that pushing the rest of it off the curb was the best bet. But they needed more manpower. No problem! Just so happens there was a gay bar right next door that was FULL of men! So they came out and helped us push the car, another loud bang (does that sound punny to anyone else?) and we were on our way.
I would’ve driven home if we weren’t so close. I just felt overall like an unsafe person at this point, all confidence in myself as a functioning human being had fled. It’s still gone, and I think that’s actually helped me a lot. Thankfully no mishaps of this magnitude have happened again, but makes you wonder: who’s in control? Was it all my negligence and that’s the end of the lesson- be less negligent? Was there a lesson at all? Did God fail to keep me, and if so is it His keeping me that’s in control and not me? Did He let it happen and then provide a way out of it, make it just real enough for me to see something and then pull back? Damage was minimal in both instances, and my drowned phone is somehow working again (technically).
On a less metaphysical note,
Last week I dreamed I was like, Martin Scorsese’s um… lady friend, I guess. He was the same as he is now except he looked like himself circa Taxi Driver era, because we were talking about The Departed and he was showing me around his house, or we were at a museum or something.
Anyway, we go outside and there are all these people staring at us. And they’re upset, like something’s about to go down. I don’t know, I think there was a bounty on his head or something weird. Anyway, we’re walking and then we’re kind of being followed. Then people are like coming toward us from all directions. So then we start to break out in a slow run. Then we had passed this outdoor restaurant, and all the waiters were black men. They saw that we were in trouble so they came up to the right of us and pulled out these big guns, I think they were AK’s, and they were going to cover us while we ran. Well! Turns out they were black panthers. And I start saying “woo hoo, yeah!” and cheering like I’m at home and watching this whole thing on t.v., and I keep saying the n-word, over and over in numerous ways, kind of like my dad.
And then we get away, and then we go inside this Macaroni Grill lookin’ restaurant and sit down. We’re both sitting on the same side of the booth, and I’m like draped over his left side with my chin on his shoulder. Marty’s got like this sketch pad out and he’s drawing something, but he’s not saying anything. So I’m like, “what’s up?” and he’s like, “nothin’ I’ve just never seen you act like that.” and I was like, “act like what?” but he wouldn’t answer back. Then that portion of the dream ended.
Weird, but kind of cool, and certainly not the record holder.
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