hello.
Oh my gaaash. It’s been a long time. I’m not sure if I even remember how to do this.
Okay, soo…2011. Crazy, right?
I suppose a lot’s been going on. Or a few things have culminated into major goings on. I don’t even know where we last left off. I think school was starting. Hold on, let me look.
Okay, so it looks like I made a few posts here and there but nothing particularly introspective. I don’t know how much I have in the way of introspection now, but I feel a muscle warming up that I haven’t used in awhile and…it kind of feels good. This is becoming strangely sexual.
Anyways, it’s been a long time so let’s hit the highlights. I just graduated from the Master’s program at Belmont. I am now a master of arts. I felt like I was before this happened but the piece of paper makes it official in the eyes of my school and country. The one thing that makes me feel about a hundred times more accomplished than having a degree is having completed a 100+ page creative thesis from an idea that I got in the middle of the night a few years ago. It’s not even the size of a novel, but it’s certainly the longest project I’ve ever worked on, the most ambitious, and now I know that I can actually write a novel. If I wanted to.
So now, it’s a new year again, I’m a new graduate again, out from under the wings of an institution, trying not to get antsy and anxiety ridden, paralyzed at the thought of making the same mistakes (or worse) as the last time I graduated. So far I’m off to a good start, practically. I’ve got a place to live, I’ve got job(s) to sustain me (though that was mostly God’s doing– which leads me to the thought that all else must’ve been His doing also), but I still feel miles away from the thing I want to do and the person I want to be [known as]. I try to comfort myself with thoughts like, “there is no ONE THING,” and “you have your entire life to figure this out.” But being a stickler for good foundations, I want to be doing it right all the time, and the best indication of things done right is related things happening. And so far, “nothing” has happened.
Well, maybe a few things.
Tonight I’m going to a meeting, where a local neighborhood newsletter wants me to do a restaurant review for their next issue. It ain’t Rolling Stone but it’s something. And it was a completely organic request that I didn’t have to go and seek out, which is what intrigues me about it. Everything about my life has seemed like groping and grasping.
Here’s something else a little random: I’ve started working out. Why yes I have “started” working out before, how did you know? But this time is considerably different because this time, I’m sticking to it. Yes, it’s only been two weeks, BUT. Not only can I see results already, but I LOVE the program. No more boring treadmill, no more fruitless crunches, no more clueless yoga and feeble attempts to get strong, this is the REAL…DEAL. Props goes to Christina who signed me up to be annoying, not knowing that I was secretly resolving to get healthy once and for all this year. I had no idea how to do it of course. My plan was to perhaps join the YMCA and just work my ass off. “20 minutes isn’t enough,” I thought. “Not 30 minutes. I need a full hour. I need to push it.” Yeah. Thank God for Jesus (and Christina) because she had a place called Curves call me and offer me 30 days free. I thought, “hey isn’t that for fat people?” (no offense, that’s what my head said) but it’s specially formulated for all women, since we’ve got special needs. And without going into complete commercial mode it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s cardio, but it’s also strength training, it’s easy, it’s 30 minutes a day at least 3 days a week and, thank the LORD, it isn’t…BORING. It’s impossible to be bored because you are CONSTANTLY moving and doing different things, working out your ENTIRE BODY. I didn’t plan to go on this long about this work out program but it’s clearly blowing my mind.
There’s other things I could talk to you about. But let’s not overload you on poorly placed Cliff’s Notes on my life. There’s a new development that I’d like to talk more about but…I feel like I should wait. And by wait I mean come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow? So I guess this means…I’m back blogging again? I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to feel so…good. After a year or so of writing for a purpose it feels good to just let the diarrhea flow. I regret that I took it for granted. Lately I’ve tried to take writing seriously as a career. I’ve noticed every few years I do this, because I know it is the responsible thing to do. I don’t know that l love or even like to write, but I’m so good, and it comes so dang easy (now that I’m a master I can say this). The maximizer in me keeps saying, “try it again, try it again,” because I feel like I’m disappointing heaven every moment I choose not to write. I’m not one of those people who get writer’s block, who don’t have any ideas. I credit laziness but I know it’s something else that seizes my motivation, some fear of a kind. It’s too much expectation for one person probably. “You have a gift,” I say to myself. “You owe it to the world to say what you have to say.” Maybe. But if it’s true of everyone, I need to at least pay everyone the same attention that I do myself, which I can’t do when I’m admonishing myself for laying in pj’s watching Hulu. “Another minute wasted. Another hour you’ll never have.” That’s no way to live, is it? Waiting for the other shoe to drop, the day I’m breaking down in sobs because I want to write all day but I don’t have the time, the faculties, or whatever else may happen to me. I’m just flat out getting it wrong. And even though I know it, it’s a biatch to correct.
So anyways, that’s a bit on where we’re at currently. Maybe later we can talk a little about where we’ve been.
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